When I was younger, I attended more funerals than weddings. Growing up in the Catholic Church these ceremonies were long and somber. Everyone wore black and the music was sad. I wanted to explore the psychology of death. In university, I came across the book by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross “On Death & Dying.”. I was fascinated by her teachings and read all of her books. I was fortunate to hear her speak and found her teachings made so much sense.
The moment we are born we are in a process of dying what’s important is what we do with the time we have on this earth. The challenge is how uncomfortable people are in discussing death. It’s almost as if it won’t happen if we don’t talk about it. No matter how we want to stop it it’s going to happen to every one of us. No amount of creams or injections will change that fact.
I’m certainly not trying to say that it’s not challenging to have someone you know and care deeply about die but I do believe that we need to normalize it and accept its inevitability. We need to use the word dead, dying, and death. My husband died prior to his 41st birthday, I’ve never used the word ‘passed’ or ‘loss’, because they are not accurate. Several years after his death I was at a school meeting and one parent said: “I’m sorry to hear you lost your husband.” I looked at him and said I didn’t lose him I know exactly where he is. He’s buried at Holy Cross Cemetery.” By using the words loss or passed we try to make the death sound better, perhaps thinking it won’t hurt the living as much. However, it does neither of these things and only stops us from accepting the reality that we are all going to die.
I talk about the eventuality of my death, I’ve planned my funeral, I’ve made my wishes known. Am I ready to die, of course not, but I don’t deny it’s inevitability and I ensure that I live life to its fullest always wanting to learn new things and expand my education.
I worked as a social worker for 23 years and I can remember a co-worker whose husband died in a freak accident. Every day at 3:00 p.m. she found herself crying and no one wanted to be around her, because they weren’t comfortable with her grief. I reached out to her and we met every day for several months and I just listened. She knew I was comfortable listening to her. When we normalize death and feel comfortable talking about it then we can truly help others when they are experiencing their grief. How can you help someone who is grieving if they sense you are uncomfortable with the topic. They will keep their grief inside and believe no one understands how they are feeling and the sad thing is they aren’t wrong. Start using the correct words, eliminate the word “passed” and use loss in the proper context.
We will never be able to feel comfortable about death if we never say the word. Someone didn’t pass they died. I didn’t lose my husband he died. I’ve known many people who are grieving a death and they all grieve differently. There is no timeline on how long the grieving will take, but I’m very sure of one thing if they find someone with whom they can share their grief and who will sit and listen the healing will happen sooner than if they grieve all alone.
Listening and I mean really listening to someone is so very important. Some of us go through our entire lives without ever experiencing what it’s like to have someone really listen to our thoughts and feelings. Often people listen while planning their response. It’s really a good way to tell that person that “my response is more important than what you have to tell me.” I’ve experienced both and I can tell you how lucky I am to have wonderful people who just listen to me and who let me know I am heard.
I grew up in a generation where we didn’t talk about anything. Everything was a big secret. I don’t like secrets. I wanted to know about menstruation, conception, giving birth, menopause, death. In those days there were no computers where you could do a Google search. You soon found out with whom you could ask questions or you read books. I continue to learn and inquire about things. If you find yourself uncomfortable with death dig deep within your soul and ask yourself why? I had a client who brushed off any challenge in his life as “no big deal”. This really concerned me, but no matter what I said he repeated his same comment of “no big deal”. Then one day his father died and this man couldn’t put this off as no big deal and 6 months later he committed suicide because he couldn’t handle something that was a big deal.
Acceptance of the life cycle birth to death and allowing that word to be part of your vocabulary will truly make you a much happier person who doesn’t fear anything and who can help others cope. Well, I’m still am fearful of spiders, but they don’t count.
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