As my followers are aware, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My mother was bipolar and when she was manic, her behaviour was unpredictable. I was afraid of her especially when she was angry. She was often physically abusive. In fact, I can remember one day when she was out of control, I spent several hours walking up and down the railroad tracks near my home because she had tried to hit me with her car. I grew up with many fears that I carry to this day. One of these is confrontations. I try to veer away from them as much as possible. I have no problem standing up for someone else, but not so much for myself.
I’ve learned that the fear is two-fold, I worry about the other person getting angry but more importantly I worry I might lose control as my mother did which would not be beneficial in a confrontational situation. I have spent my entire life trying to be the opposite of my mother, thus seeing any of her negative characteristics would be devastating to me. I will do anything to avoid confrontations.
Over my lifetime I have spent lots of time in therapy, taking courses, asking for advice to try and improve my self esteem and to become a much healthier person. I’ve worked especially hard in the past 5 years confronting many challenges and learning from each one of them.
In October 2022 I found myself in a situation where I was involved with a periodontist who ended up being quite a bully. During my initial visit he bullied me into doing a surgical procedure. I felt uncomfortable the entire time I was there. I was scheduled for two subsequent visits supposedly for follow-ups, but each time he wanted to perform more dental work. I refused on my second visit and stormed out of his office on the third. I’m lucky to I have an amazing best friend who worked with my previous dentist prior to his retiring. She supported my concerns and provided me with the confidence to seek out a second opinion. The second doctor agreed with my concerns and did not agree with his recommendations.
I was so angry on how I had been treated and was concerned that he might do the same thing to someone else who didn’t have the support systems I had. So, I decided to lodge a formal complaint. I emailed a complaint to him and then composed a letter to the College of Dentistry. It took me a couple of months to send the letter to the College as my old fears began to manifest.
I was worried I might not be taken seriously and even though I felt he should not get away with his shoddy behaviour, I questioned if I was brave enough to stand up to him? I had to do a lot of self-talk, but I eventually mailed out the complaint letter. I sent it and then tried not to think about it. After several weeks I received a response from the College advising they would be investigating my claim. They explained the process would take several months and asked me to be patient. A few months later I found out they had sent my letter to him and he provided a rebuttal. When I read his two letters and how he had twisted the truth all my old feelings resurfaced. I thought they would believe him and not me. The College allowed me to comment on his letters. My first draft was far too emotional; however, it was good to express those feeling on paper. The one I sent was more matter of fact and I was able to provide invoices supporting my claim. I also gave the College permission to speak with my other treatment providers. This process was very slow so each time I did something I put it behind me and focused on other things. To my great joy I received a letter in March 2024 that the College had completed their investigation and they were closing the complaint file and opening a disciplinary one. I might have to testify against this man.
I cannot describe the unbelievable joy and vindication that I have felt over this process. I stood up for myself. I faced my fear head-on. I responded in a healthy, logical and straightforward manner. I survived and am victorious. It is so reaffirming that all the hard work I’ve done over these past few years has been worth it. Making changes in the way you perceive yourself is not easy. I have shed so many tears, but in the end it has been worth it. Standing up for what I believed to be right in a situation that was all about me is something I’ve rarely done. I’m sure if I have to testify against him, I’ll be very nervous, but I know I can handle this challenge. Doing the hard work is not easy, but what I’ve found is feeling you have no value is far worse. I’m sure I will be faced with more challenges in the future and some may not work out as well as this one did, but this success has taught me I am strong enough to survive. Believing in yourself is such an amazing feeling, it truly is a super power.
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