Over the years I’ve reflected on what on the concept of family. It’s the one thing we are not given a choice in selecting. I now realize there are no perfect families. Some are healthier than others, mine was dysfunctional.
If you come from a dysfunctional family you tend to look at other families and see them as perfect. Watching wonderful TV families; whose disagreements got solved at the end 30 minutes. What I noticed was how they loved and cared for each other. My family wasn’t like that and I yearned for that type of family. Often, I lied about my family as I was embarrassed by the dysfunction and I didn’t want anyone to know. I would tell people my mom and I were best friends. The reality was I was scared to death of her and never knew when her temper would flare and things would get ugly. I had constant thoughts of running away and hiding from her.
My last year of high school I did run away and hid from her. It was a scary time; however, I was lucky to have an amazing support system who protected me and hid me from my mother. I was so fortunate for these wonderful people truly saved my life.
When I met my husband, I thought he had the perfect family as I was accepted by them and they appeared to care about me. It didn’t take long for me to realize they also had their own issues and were far from perfect. Years later after my husband died, they abandoned me and my two children. They certainly didn’t meet my definition of family.
This lack of family left a huge hole in my psyche which I tried to fill, with others, food, doing things for others. I even tried to reconcile with my mother hoping she would love me. However, she could not fill that hole. No matter what I did the hole was never filled. I became discouraged and disappointed. I thought there must be something wrong with me and wondered how I would ever fill this hole.
I now know that there are no perfect families and we set ourselves up for disappointment if we go looking for or try to create one. Some families are better at providing emotional support, love and caring than others. Some will meet some of those needs and others won’t come close. Our job is to accept their shortcomings and realize it has nothing to do with us. There are no magic words or special elixir that will change your family, acceptance is the key. I certainly don’t mean accepting abuse or belittling. I mean accepting that they can’t provide what we need. The task is accepting a hole that can’t be filled. Honouring the fact, you are different from them and you will lead your life differently than them. I often talk about the Universe bringing us challenges for learning and opportunities for growth. This took me years to figure out. I spent years trying to adapt myself to others in the hopes of being accepted and loved. I sought out people I thought would love and appreciate me. Nothing worked and each time I thought there was something wrong with me.
Not loving myself was my mistake. It sounds so easy, but it’s not. When you have spent years telling yourself there is something wrong with you it’s hard to believe there is nothing wrong with you. It took a crisis where I was all alone having been abandoned by my children. I was forced to look within and face some hard facts. All the sacrifices, all the words, all the times I adapted to meet others needs, nothing worked because I wasn’t being me nor was I respecting myself.
It was hard to look within and figuring out who I was and what really mattered to me. I started meditating which taught me to look within and changing my perception of myself. It helped me learn to breath which most of us don’t do properly. As my voice got stronger, I then had to learn to accept the fact that people liked me for me. Accepting compliments was strange and challenging. I opened my heart to what others were saying. Listening to absorb rather than listening to respond. What at first felt uncomfortable became welcomed and invigorating. I started believing in myself and my abilities. Being myself was so much easier than trying to please others so they would like me. My confidence grew and for the first time in my life I was happy with myself and felt content with who I was.
The best part of my metamorphosis is that I have created my own family of wonderful friends. I still have the hole that was created by my dysfunctional family, but now I have people on whom I can depend and count on. I have friends who support and care about me. I’ve learned that I am a loveable person for being just me. It is such a liberating feeling.
Many of us go through life with holes in our psyche. Honour them, cherish them, learn from them, but don’t try to fill them. They are the best part of you because without them you would never be the person you are. What loss to humanity that would be.
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