I grew up in a very negative environment. My mother often said I was stupid and dumb. I can remember when I brought home my report cards, my mom never praised me for my good grades she would always ask what my friends got and when they did better, she asked why I couldn’t do as well as my friends. I never felt that I could measure up and there was something lacking in me.
After I graduated from university, and began working this negative belief followed me in all aspects of my life. My husband took over from my mom and often told me I was stupid and dumb and nothing I said made sense. While I received praises at work, I would panic when my supervisor called me in his office to discuss something, I assumed he was going berate me for something I had done inappropriately. I can remember being so stressed during these sessions. One amazing supervisor who knew about my fear preface by telling me that it wasn’t anything bad. This fear of rejection followed me my entire life. It affected everything I did. Spending my time trying to be “good” but feeling that I never quite succeeded.
I had friends who tried to make me feel special, but if I had friends saying great things to me and only one putting me down that person’s opinion is the one, I emphasized and decided they must be right. I found myself thinking that my friends who said good things about me must be wrong. They obviously didn’t know me as well as the others. I never felt that I could do anything right and that no matter what I did someone would find fault in my actions.
This behaviour took control of my life. It became quite chronic when people would compliment me, I would respond with a comment that would actually demean the positive statement. I did this for years. However, if someone said something negative about me, I would feel hurt but this actually felt more comfortable than the compliments.
It took many years before I started to realize that I was placing far too much emphasis on these negative comments and not really listening to the positive ones.
My life finally changed after having lived with my daughter and her family for eight years I was evicted from their home. I was devastated. I thought I had done so many thoughtful things for her and her family sacrificing my own needs, but rather than receiving gratitude I received negativity and distain. When her husband evicted me, I did lots soul searching as I soon realized the Universe was trying to teach me something. I decided I had to make some serious changes in my life and the way I thought and acted.
Lucky for me I had a great support system. I started receiving compliments in a gracious manner. I stopped trying to negate them and really listened to what they were saying. Initially it was very challenging to listen and absorb their words. I would thank them and realize they saw me differently than the negative people in my life. I decided that I much preferred hearing the positive things and I started believing them.
Truly listening to the positive voices has changed my life, I am more willing to take risks and more often than not I receive a positive response. I share my thoughts, opinions and beliefs. I am so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life who appreciate me for who I am. They make me feel that what I have to say is important and they want to listen. Instead of being weighed down by negativity I’m lifted up by the positivity in my life.
When we have people who put us down, I have found it’s usually because they see our strength and they don’t like it. They want to be able to control us and want us to do their bidding. When we break away from that thinking and focus on what we know to be true our independence shines and those negative people don’t like losing their control so they become more negative and hurtful.
Another way of looking at this is from the perspective of those positive people how insulting it is to them if we belittle their statements to us. If we do this too often, they will stop saying positive things because they soon realize it is having no effect on you, because you are not listening.
When I started, I had to be so conscious of what I was doing and saying. If someone said something positive, I took a deep breath and really focused on what they were saying. I would thank them for the compliment and keep repeating the words they said in my head so that I would internalize these precious words. I listened to my own self-talk and changed what I said to myself.
I’m not saying this is easy and it does take practice, but the rewards are amazing. You start feeling better about yourself, you do things you never thought possible, your confidence levels increase.
Why would you ever allow those who say negative things about you to be more influential than those who truly love and care about you. The choice is yours. You are in control.
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